Is It Lonely There?

Is it lonely there? All the way at the top. Where there was once love and admiration, a trail of hatred and disapproval now lay wake. Is this what you wanted? To be viewed by the world indiscriminately and fully. To be noticed. Is it what you dreamed it would be? I didn't think so. You miss the days when you were a nobody, don't you? I do too. But maybe it's for the best. 

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing." - Sylvia Plath

These words have haunted me for extended periods of time. I do believe I am on the verge of not wanting anything from anyone. And it scares me. The vast unknown. The uncharted abyss. The quiet darkness.

Pray With Me?

 Father died when I was young, I never really knew him. Mother did her best to raise me and every night she would join me at the foot of my bed and ask me to pray with her. To pray for the soul of my father, may he rest in peace. I always thought if I prayed, if I prayed hard enough, long enough it would somehow bring my father back. It would make my mother's tears cease, and it would bring end to maddening silence at the dinner table. It's funny, you know, my mother and I believed praying would solve our problems but it was only false hope. How can a person believe in such nonsense? As the years gone by, my mother visited me less and less every night until we stopped praying altogether. I suppose we grew up in a sense. The death of her husband, my father, awoke our dormant minds. The very minds closed off to the horrors of the world. Now that we have seen what has been needed to be seen I wish I could take it all back, all those prayer-less nights, that is. Sometimes praying is all a person can do to survive. Hoping, wishing that tomorrow would be better than today.

It Was Only a Kiss

We were both drunk with sorrow. We were just not thinking that's all, just not thinking. It wasn't romantic or beautiful, it was sad. I had nothing left to say, and you had everything to talk about. We spilled out our knowledge of the world around us. It was almost two in the morning when we were done. Just sitting there, not thinking. Our lives intertwined in a matter a few hours. We lived under the same moon for our whole lives, living our whole lives, without knowing each other. Until that night. We're were two strangers, just sitting there, not thinking. I remember how handsome you looked that night, freshly cut beard and a smile that could stop anyone in their tracks. But there was an underlying sadness to your eyes. Something about them that was offbeat, like a ballerina without her Franz Schubert. The kiss was long and awkward. Both us not wanting it to end. To persevere this momentary bliss, never allowing the treachery of the world to taint this pure and selfless act. The kiss between two strangers, just sitting, not thinking. It was a long, sad kiss. It was almost as if we were searching for the truth in each others' lips. We were both exhausted and condemned by society. When all was over, I just laid there, in bed, adsorbing, processing. And you burnt out like a rundown motel's light bulb. This was the first time I ever kissed a man. This was the first time everything fell into place, everything was innocent again. Everything was going to be fine.

I Once Dreamt. . .

I once dreamt I fell in love with you. The darkness of sleep fading into bright reds and oranges and yellows. The scenery pouring in with large oak trees and benches and grass. It's been going on for months now, us sitting on a bench like an old couple. Your deep red lipstick burning the fairness of your ivory skin and big brown eyes. My hands softly caressing each and every bit of your small tender hands. So softly as if these fragile limps would fall off any minute. The way your dress would flow with the warm summer breeze kept me in a trance and your smile delivered the final blow. The fatal ending. I knew I couldn't be with you. I knew it wasn't true. But something kept me arrested in your presence. Something about your sandy blonde hair. Something about your laugh. Something about. About. About. There came a violent jolt and the surrounding buildings collapsed into rumble. The ground split and swallowed the trees and the fountain and the benches. The air was filled with a hideous siren as pedestrians attempted to defy their dismal fates. And there you stood with an eerie calmness across your enigmatic face. Not one shred of remorse just calmness as the earth pulled me away from you. Into the dirt and slowly back into the darkness.   

One Day

One day when all the screaming and fighting is over, you'll miss me. One day when I'm long gone, you'll realize that I was all you had. One day when everything is all done and said, you will know the truth. I done with being the second choice, the misfit, the bad guy, the instigator. The scapegoat. Everything I did was for you and you and you, but you're so caught up with your nonsense you can't even see the good I've done. Open your eyes, see the damage you both have created. And now understand that there is no way of fixing this, there is no way of fixing me, and there is no way we'll be back to where we once were.

THAT'S RIGHT SON!! I'M A STAR!!!