Lucas

I could have sworn I was awake when we were looking at the clouds float by. We were aimlessly discussing how they were taking the form of giraffes and turtles and blobs. You pointed at a cloud off to my left and I concentrated hard as you insisted it looked like an elephant. That's when you kissed my cheek for the first time. My first kiss, stolen from me, while watching clouds. Funny isn't it? I didn't know what to do, but smile and we continued as if nothing happened. Then the scenery quickly morphed into an elevator and as I darted for the numbers pushing all that I could, I felt that this world was real and being with you was natural. You and I, along with a few others were trapped in that elevator for awhile but it released us into yet another scene. A mall this time. I saw my friends and walked over to them, there was a slight breeze and I remember was feeling cold, suddenly I had a sweater in hand and was about to slip it on when you rubbed my back and held me close. With your arms around me keeping me warm, I couldn't help but smile. The last thing and probably the most distressing, was that you received a phone call. You told me to go on ahead and you'll meet me soon, without a second thought I greeted my friends and there you were in the background, quietly talking on the phone and sneaking a smile or two every glance I gave you. I wish it could have lasted longer. Good bye, Lucas.

Fallulah - Give Us A Little Love

"Give us a little love, give us a little love. We never had enough, we never had enough."

Where Are You?

These hands, these rough, shaking hands were always there for you when you fell. These battered arms, these tattooed and heavy arms were always here to hold you. My legs are giving way and my body is slowly collapsing. Where are you now? Where is your chest? The very chest I could rest my weary head upon. The soft thump, thump, thump washing me ashore to the beaches of sleep. Where is your back? The back I have gotten used to keeping warm. The back whose spine appeared to be the ivory keys on a piano running perfectly down the center. Where is that warm smile? The one that imprisoned me? The same smile that would burn through my darkest nights. Where are you? I need you now more than ever.

Happily Ever After

I think it's time I got my happily ever after. To be able to walk away unscathed and my heart in tact. Never again will I have to visit the brink of madness, endure the sleepless nights of a broken heart, and to have the endless flow of warm tears burning at my cheeks. I suppose it's fair. We're equal now, you begging for my love, proclaiming your undying affection, and your false promises. I've been through it all, I know all the schemes and tricks, I know how it hurts. Listen to the heavy roar of the engine, the slow crunching gravel and quiet hum of loneliness. And understand that. This. Is. The. End.

Trigger

Pull the trigger. I don't really care if it was a slip of the finger or fully intentional. Just pull the trigger. Fast. I'm done with waiting. The bullet is eager to fly, don't resist. The silence is killing us. We both long to hear the loving, BANG! BANG! BANG! Straight through my heart. All I ask is make it quick and painless. Oh yes! Don't forget to screw in the silencer, I'm perfectly sure you don't want the neighbors calling the cops. I can just see it now, the small metal lug, jetting out from it's cold metal cage, assisting me to my damp, cold metal grave. Not to fret! The clean up isn't a hassle, mostly wires and screws and broken plastic. You can carry on once you pull that trigger.

Is It Lonely There?

Is it lonely there? All the way at the top. Where there was once love and admiration, a trail of hatred and disapproval now lay wake. Is this what you wanted? To be viewed by the world indiscriminately and fully. To be noticed. Is it what you dreamed it would be? I didn't think so. You miss the days when you were a nobody, don't you? I do too. But maybe it's for the best. 

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing." - Sylvia Plath

These words have haunted me for extended periods of time. I do believe I am on the verge of not wanting anything from anyone. And it scares me. The vast unknown. The uncharted abyss. The quiet darkness.

Pray With Me?

 Father died when I was young, I never really knew him. Mother did her best to raise me and every night she would join me at the foot of my bed and ask me to pray with her. To pray for the soul of my father, may he rest in peace. I always thought if I prayed, if I prayed hard enough, long enough it would somehow bring my father back. It would make my mother's tears cease, and it would bring end to maddening silence at the dinner table. It's funny, you know, my mother and I believed praying would solve our problems but it was only false hope. How can a person believe in such nonsense? As the years gone by, my mother visited me less and less every night until we stopped praying altogether. I suppose we grew up in a sense. The death of her husband, my father, awoke our dormant minds. The very minds closed off to the horrors of the world. Now that we have seen what has been needed to be seen I wish I could take it all back, all those prayer-less nights, that is. Sometimes praying is all a person can do to survive. Hoping, wishing that tomorrow would be better than today.