Hoodie Allen - You Are Not a Robot

"You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby"

Note to Self

Buy:
-Polaroid Camera
-Nook Color
Books for Nook:
-Bossypants, Tina Fey
-Almost Like Being in Love, Steve Kluger
-Other books I can't think of at the moment.
Pierce:
-Eyebrow
Tattoo:
-Somewhere on forearm, not sure of what.

My materialistic list of items I need to purchase before or during college. If you gotten this far through, I'll explain it now. For the past few months I have been attaching myself to materialistic items because substantial things like love and family have failed me. I know my longing for electronics and piercings are useless, but in a crazy way, possibly only known to myself, it numbs the pain. 

Scratched Vinyl

I can't remember the days when fighting and screaming was taboo. I can't remember the days when we used to be a family. I can't remember what it's like to be happy. The house is so quiet now. If we're lucky, we'll have a fight and the silence will break. This place used to be my sanctuary, a place I can call my own. Now it has been robbed from us like everything else. Was is so wrong to be able to be happy? Just because she had nothing, doesn't mean she had to reduce us to her level. This isn't right. Deliver me from this pain, wash away my sins, bring us back to time before all this. Oh there goes my asinine beliefs again. How can I be so foolish to believe we can reverse these dismal effects? How can you be so foolish to believe our problems are resolvable. 

Petty Burns

When we kissed, the taste of burned ashes mingled in my mouth. I'll never forget that flavor. It's never quite the same when I pick up those cigarettes you used to smoke. When we kissed, it had a nice slow burn taste, with a hint of sharp hope and a dash of sweetness. But when I smoke all I savor is tobacco. Do you remember my first cigarette? I do. You lit the tip and I watched as the fire slowly crept closer and closer to my unsuspecting lips. I was startled and the cigarette flew effortlessly from my mouth to my arm. It barely singed the flesh, but left an uncanny mark. I watched as the panic flooded your face and the pain on my arm set in. You promised me never again. Never again. I still taste the burned ashes in my mouth when I look at my scar, but this time it's mixed with a new flavor. Something along the lines of longing.

Full Moon

Nights like these when the moon is full and at it's peak, shining with a melancholic radiance, I think of you. What's it like over there? Sometimes I forget about you and feel guilty, it isn't right you know? Forgetting about someone. I take great comfort in knowing that we are under the same moon. And when I'm looking up at that big, bright, pure mass of rock floating in the night sky, I can't help but wonder if you're looking too. I suppose this is a great time to tell you I've fallen for this guy down the street, but he's far too old for me. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy now because I stood in the driveway for about five minutes just staring at the full moon. Oh he saw me alright. He's garage was open and he was walking in and out, so the chances are high that he saw an Asian fool looking up at the moon searching for answers. The moon to you is probably different. It's probably more beautiful, sprinkled with craters and surrounded by glistening stars. Lighting the sidewalk of a quiet city. It's more beautiful, isn't it? Not a touch of sadness. Goodnight guy from down the street. Goodnight moon. And goodnight old friend.

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

AMY COME BAAACCCKKK!

Lucas

I could have sworn I was awake when we were looking at the clouds float by. We were aimlessly discussing how they were taking the form of giraffes and turtles and blobs. You pointed at a cloud off to my left and I concentrated hard as you insisted it looked like an elephant. That's when you kissed my cheek for the first time. My first kiss, stolen from me, while watching clouds. Funny isn't it? I didn't know what to do, but smile and we continued as if nothing happened. Then the scenery quickly morphed into an elevator and as I darted for the numbers pushing all that I could, I felt that this world was real and being with you was natural. You and I, along with a few others were trapped in that elevator for awhile but it released us into yet another scene. A mall this time. I saw my friends and walked over to them, there was a slight breeze and I remember was feeling cold, suddenly I had a sweater in hand and was about to slip it on when you rubbed my back and held me close. With your arms around me keeping me warm, I couldn't help but smile. The last thing and probably the most distressing, was that you received a phone call. You told me to go on ahead and you'll meet me soon, without a second thought I greeted my friends and there you were in the background, quietly talking on the phone and sneaking a smile or two every glance I gave you. I wish it could have lasted longer. Good bye, Lucas.

Fallulah - Give Us A Little Love

"Give us a little love, give us a little love. We never had enough, we never had enough."

Where Are You?

These hands, these rough, shaking hands were always there for you when you fell. These battered arms, these tattooed and heavy arms were always here to hold you. My legs are giving way and my body is slowly collapsing. Where are you now? Where is your chest? The very chest I could rest my weary head upon. The soft thump, thump, thump washing me ashore to the beaches of sleep. Where is your back? The back I have gotten used to keeping warm. The back whose spine appeared to be the ivory keys on a piano running perfectly down the center. Where is that warm smile? The one that imprisoned me? The same smile that would burn through my darkest nights. Where are you? I need you now more than ever.

Happily Ever After

I think it's time I got my happily ever after. To be able to walk away unscathed and my heart in tact. Never again will I have to visit the brink of madness, endure the sleepless nights of a broken heart, and to have the endless flow of warm tears burning at my cheeks. I suppose it's fair. We're equal now, you begging for my love, proclaiming your undying affection, and your false promises. I've been through it all, I know all the schemes and tricks, I know how it hurts. Listen to the heavy roar of the engine, the slow crunching gravel and quiet hum of loneliness. And understand that. This. Is. The. End.

Trigger

Pull the trigger. I don't really care if it was a slip of the finger or fully intentional. Just pull the trigger. Fast. I'm done with waiting. The bullet is eager to fly, don't resist. The silence is killing us. We both long to hear the loving, BANG! BANG! BANG! Straight through my heart. All I ask is make it quick and painless. Oh yes! Don't forget to screw in the silencer, I'm perfectly sure you don't want the neighbors calling the cops. I can just see it now, the small metal lug, jetting out from it's cold metal cage, assisting me to my damp, cold metal grave. Not to fret! The clean up isn't a hassle, mostly wires and screws and broken plastic. You can carry on once you pull that trigger.

Is It Lonely There?

Is it lonely there? All the way at the top. Where there was once love and admiration, a trail of hatred and disapproval now lay wake. Is this what you wanted? To be viewed by the world indiscriminately and fully. To be noticed. Is it what you dreamed it would be? I didn't think so. You miss the days when you were a nobody, don't you? I do too. But maybe it's for the best. 

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing." - Sylvia Plath

These words have haunted me for extended periods of time. I do believe I am on the verge of not wanting anything from anyone. And it scares me. The vast unknown. The uncharted abyss. The quiet darkness.

Pray With Me?

 Father died when I was young, I never really knew him. Mother did her best to raise me and every night she would join me at the foot of my bed and ask me to pray with her. To pray for the soul of my father, may he rest in peace. I always thought if I prayed, if I prayed hard enough, long enough it would somehow bring my father back. It would make my mother's tears cease, and it would bring end to maddening silence at the dinner table. It's funny, you know, my mother and I believed praying would solve our problems but it was only false hope. How can a person believe in such nonsense? As the years gone by, my mother visited me less and less every night until we stopped praying altogether. I suppose we grew up in a sense. The death of her husband, my father, awoke our dormant minds. The very minds closed off to the horrors of the world. Now that we have seen what has been needed to be seen I wish I could take it all back, all those prayer-less nights, that is. Sometimes praying is all a person can do to survive. Hoping, wishing that tomorrow would be better than today.

It Was Only a Kiss

We were both drunk with sorrow. We were just not thinking that's all, just not thinking. It wasn't romantic or beautiful, it was sad. I had nothing left to say, and you had everything to talk about. We spilled out our knowledge of the world around us. It was almost two in the morning when we were done. Just sitting there, not thinking. Our lives intertwined in a matter a few hours. We lived under the same moon for our whole lives, living our whole lives, without knowing each other. Until that night. We're were two strangers, just sitting there, not thinking. I remember how handsome you looked that night, freshly cut beard and a smile that could stop anyone in their tracks. But there was an underlying sadness to your eyes. Something about them that was offbeat, like a ballerina without her Franz Schubert. The kiss was long and awkward. Both us not wanting it to end. To persevere this momentary bliss, never allowing the treachery of the world to taint this pure and selfless act. The kiss between two strangers, just sitting, not thinking. It was a long, sad kiss. It was almost as if we were searching for the truth in each others' lips. We were both exhausted and condemned by society. When all was over, I just laid there, in bed, adsorbing, processing. And you burnt out like a rundown motel's light bulb. This was the first time I ever kissed a man. This was the first time everything fell into place, everything was innocent again. Everything was going to be fine.

I Once Dreamt. . .

I once dreamt I fell in love with you. The darkness of sleep fading into bright reds and oranges and yellows. The scenery pouring in with large oak trees and benches and grass. It's been going on for months now, us sitting on a bench like an old couple. Your deep red lipstick burning the fairness of your ivory skin and big brown eyes. My hands softly caressing each and every bit of your small tender hands. So softly as if these fragile limps would fall off any minute. The way your dress would flow with the warm summer breeze kept me in a trance and your smile delivered the final blow. The fatal ending. I knew I couldn't be with you. I knew it wasn't true. But something kept me arrested in your presence. Something about your sandy blonde hair. Something about your laugh. Something about. About. About. There came a violent jolt and the surrounding buildings collapsed into rumble. The ground split and swallowed the trees and the fountain and the benches. The air was filled with a hideous siren as pedestrians attempted to defy their dismal fates. And there you stood with an eerie calmness across your enigmatic face. Not one shred of remorse just calmness as the earth pulled me away from you. Into the dirt and slowly back into the darkness.   

One Day

One day when all the screaming and fighting is over, you'll miss me. One day when I'm long gone, you'll realize that I was all you had. One day when everything is all done and said, you will know the truth. I done with being the second choice, the misfit, the bad guy, the instigator. The scapegoat. Everything I did was for you and you and you, but you're so caught up with your nonsense you can't even see the good I've done. Open your eyes, see the damage you both have created. And now understand that there is no way of fixing this, there is no way of fixing me, and there is no way we'll be back to where we once were.

THAT'S RIGHT SON!! I'M A STAR!!!